Love in a F*cked-Up World

November 4, 2024
Lawyer and activist Spade (Mutual Aid) offers an intermittently insightful dating manual guided by “our most radical, visionary ideas of liberation.” He contends that modern society is rooted in damaging cultural scripts (for example, the myth that love supersedes all other bonds, or that being “rich, skinny, and married” ensures happiness) that push unrealistic expectations of romantic partnerships and devalue platonic bonds. This creates a world where romance is at once more important and more misunderstood than ever, with dominant systems of power (racial capitalism, consumerism, the patriarchy) undermining the very “satisfying, inspiring, and ethical relationships” that would help people survive them. Spade calls for readers to recognize such scripts and how they inform unhealthy emotional reactions (like unfairly blaming one’s partner), and to tap into their feelings through such practices as talk therapy. In the process, he makes trenchant points about the ways culturally specific narratives of sex and romance must be rethought in favor of more holistic, community-centered models of connection. Sometimes, however, Spade stretches his thesis too far, as when he suggests that the police and other authorities reinforce harmful expectations that other people—including romantic partners—should “make us feel safe” or else be blamed “when we feel afraid.” While not all of Spade’s arguments land, there’s enough here to satisfy progressive activists looking for love.

Starred review from December 1, 2024
This inclusive guide to interpersonal relationships is not only for fans of self-help books. Lawyer, professor, and trans activist Spade (Mutual Aid, 2020) explains that too often, books about dating, romance, and sex are unhelpful and deeply exclusionary, addressing issues only from a heteronormative, white, Christian perspective. For all lovers and friends, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, income, and family background, this book is broken into sections about managing issues like isolation, jealousy, conflict, and change management in a world that, with its ecological and social catastrophes, can exacerbate our strife. The radical truth: we must love each other through the uncertainty--and love ourselves enough to properly show up for others without drowning in our own traumas. Spade shows lovers how to work through pain and shame to compassionate liberation. Many outlets tout the benefits of "doing the emotional work" without acknowledgement of the many barriers (cost, stigma) relationships face. Spade not only acknowledges those barriers, but he also tries to make many of the skills and tools of that work available to readers here. Whether an individual has had years of therapy and relationship experience or none of either, Spade's clear and hopeful voice will provide advice, direction, and comfort.

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